Let’s face it—working is exhausting. The meetings, the emails, the endless loop of pretending to care—it’s enough to make anyone question their life choices. But looking like you’re working? Now, that is a form of art, a delicate dance of deception, requiring skill, confidence, and just the right amount of keyboard smashing.

For some people, it may sound like an impossible task, a challenge too great to overcome. But hey, John Wick took out three guys in a bar with a pencil—a f*cking pencil! If he can do that, then surely you can survive an eight-hour shift by appearing productive while exerting minimal effort. It’s all about technique, precision, and keeping a straight face when someone asks for a progress update.

Whether you’re trapped in an open office, forced to perform your charade under the watchful eyes of micromanaging supervisors, or working remotely, perfecting the art of “pretending to care” on Slack, Teams, or Zoom, the key to surviving the workday isn’t actual productivity—it’s optics. It’s about looking like a vital cog in the corporate machine while contributing just enough to avoid suspicion.

So, if you’re ready to ascend to the highest level of workplace survival, here are ten foolproof ways to master the illusion of busyness while contributing absolutely nothing. Sharpen your skills, stay under the radar, and most importantly—never break character.

1. Master the Deep-in-Thought Pose

Stare at your screen with furrowed brows, occasionally rubbing your chin like a philosopher contemplating the meaning of life (or just what’s for lunch). Bonus points if you add some intense typing followed by a dramatic backspace.

Things to avoid:

• Adding dramatic music in the background. No! Hell, no!!! Remember, you’re an employee, not an actor playing King Arthur around the Round Table.
• Sticking your finger in your nose for more than three seconds. You might think you look mysterious or creative but remember—drawing attention is the last thing you want. Stay under the radar until the call ends.

2. Walk Around With Purpose

Power-walk through the office carrying a random document. If someone stops you, sigh heavily and say, “I’m swamped right now, but let’s circle back later.” You’ll never have to circle back.

Things to avoid:

• Using a torn page from Playboy. You’re working in an office, not in Hugh Hefner’s mansion.
• Following the same route as a bus driver. Walk in random directions to keep the illusion alive.

3. Keep an Open Document With a Lot of Text

It doesn’t have to be work-related. Copy-paste a Wikipedia article into a Word doc, scroll aggressively, and sigh occasionally. If someone approaches, say, “This report is a nightmare.”

Things to avoid:

• Copying and pasting this article… Haha! What an irony!
• Shaking when someone approaches. You’ll look guilty even before they see the screen.

4. Schedule Meetings That Could Have Been Emails

Why do work when you can just talk about work? Fill up your calendar with meetings that serve no real purpose. If someone complains, tell them it’s about fostering collaboration.

Things to avoid:

• Scheduling a meeting with your manager. #NOOOOOOO
• Scheduling meetings after 5 PM. Nobody will join—not even you.

5. Become a Keyboard Warrior

Type furiously on your keyboard at random intervals. The sound of keys clicking makes people assume you’re hard at work. For extra realism, throw in a random sigh or a whispered “unbelievable.”

Things to avoid:

• Smashing the keyboard like you’re in a street fight. You’re a Keyboard Warrior, not an MMA fighter.
• Using silent keyboards. Get one that sounds like a doorbell every time you press a key.

6. Use the Alt-Tab Reflex

Perfect your ability to quickly switch from Netflix or shopping sites to an Excel sheet whenever your boss walks by. Looking frustrated at the screen adds credibility.

Things to avoid:

• Netflix and shopping sites at the same time. Alt-Tab won’t save you. Just start praying.
• Start shaking. If you do, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You just indicted yourself.

7. Master the ‘Tech Issues’ Excuse

Nothing stops productivity like fake tech problems. Stare at your screen, shake your head, and mutter, “This software update ruined everything.” Then spend 30 minutes rebooting your computer.

Things to avoid:

• Grabbing your phone while the software updates. You must look frustrated, not distracted.
• Milking tech issues for more than two days. IT will get involved and trust me—you don’t want that.

8. Send Emails at Odd Hours

Fire off an email at 11:47 PM. People will assume you’re dedicated when, in reality, you just scheduled it while watching Netflix.

Things to avoid:

• Drinking with friends instead of watching Netflix.
• Watching Horrible Bosses on Netflix.

9. Keep a Notepad and Write Random Words

Doodle or write random business buzzwords like “synergy” and “scalability.” Occasionally nod like you just had a breakthrough idea.

Things to avoid:

• Writing words when you have no idea what they mean.
• Spelling mistakes. You’ll raise doubts about your hiring process.

10. Use the ‘Just Jumped Off a Call’ Trick

If someone asks what you’re working on, sigh and say, “Oh, just got off a brutal call. Give me a sec to catch my breath.” No one will question it.

Things to avoid:

• Overdoing the “catch my breath” act. Relax, you just left a call—not an Ironman triathlon.
• Providing details about the call. Rookie mistake. You’ll dig your own grave.

With these pro-level slacking techniques, you’ll be the busiest-looking unproductive employee of the year. You’ll have colleagues whispering about your “dedication,” managers nodding approvingly at your “work ethic”, and maybe—just maybe—you’ll even get mistaken for someone who actually cares. The key is commitment: if you sell the illusion hard enough, you might even start believing it yourself. So go forth, my fellow corporate escape artist. Perfect that dramatic sigh, master the art of the well-timed keyboard smash, and remember—it’s not about what you accomplish, but how convincingly you pretend to be drowning in tasks. Now, get back to work (or at least make it look like you are). Your paycheck depends on it.